Explanation of Contacts & Friends

[Amoretti]

Ursula said:

I wonder about the people who have dozens and dozens of people on their friends list. Do they really have so many friends?

I think I can answer this one because I have many friends on my list. LOL. I have sent out maybe 2-3 requests but the others have all been directed to me, requesting my friendship. This does not mean that I'm so special or anything. I think I do have some very special friends here and also a lot of people I enjoy interacting with. "Friends" is a term that covers them all, at least online.

Does the idea of friend mean so little that they'll use it for anyone?

Not in my case, no, but it is much more flexible than IRL. Besides, those who are my true friends know who they are perfectly well and don't even need to be on my list to know that.

I know for some "friend" means something different in an online group than it does in real life. But I can't handle that distinction, emotionally.

I can understand this but I think it's something I also had to get over on the new LHC. Once that barrier was down I relaxed more and am now happy to add new friends as long as we have interacted before; they are usual posters, might be old lurkers who have approached me because they want to read my Blog, or might be new members (in which case I'd appreciate a PM or something).

If the person in question is completely unknown to me or on the boards and hasn't bothered to PM me or anything I'll think twice about accepting a request.

[Ursula]

I can understand this but I think it's something I also had to get over on the new LHC. Once that barrier was down I relaxed more and am now happy to add new friends as long as we have interacted before; they are usual posters, might be old lurkers who have approached me because they want to read my Blog, or might be new members (in which case I'd appreciate a PM or something).

Hmm...

It might be more accurate to say that it is something that I am not willing to make the effort to get over.

It would require rewiring a big part of my brain, to make "friend" mean something other than "friend." And it would mean redefining a large part of my identity, to change from being someone who has a very small number of close friends to being someone who will call even the most casual acquaintance "friend."

A huge amount of mental effort, for a result I find distasteful and destructive.

It's actually rather distressing, to be feeling as if I'm being expected to make that type of change in my basic nature. And to have it constantly in my face that once again, I'm a strange and unnatural outsider, to dislike so much what everyone else likes, and to be expected to deal with what I dislike if I'm to be included at all.

Is there any way to turn off the "friends" list entirely? (Just for myself, I mean, not to take it away from everyone.) I'd rather list no friends at all, then have to deal with this. And I'd really, really like to just opt out - no "friends" list, no "friends" requests, (in particular, no "friends" requests) just make it all go away.

[Nightshade]

Like Amoretti, I've had a bunch of people ask to add me, though I've sent out only a few requests of my own. I'm sure, this, in part anyway, is because my journal is marked for friends only and people may be wanting to read it. (For henna information mostly, I'd imagine.) Granted, no, I haven't approved everybody, and those are for reasons beholden only to me.

I do agree the monkier "Friend" is misplaced here, Ursula. I have few IRL friends, and all of them are very, very close. I find people here kind and caring, but truly, I have my IRL friends, and they have theirs, and with few exceptions, there isn't much overlap.

A more apt name for me would be a "filter list" or "approved list" or something or another, but it's called "friends' because that's what the Powers that Be deemed it. The name doesn't change the basic functionality, and "Nightshade has accepted your friend request" sounds nicer to people than, "Congratulations, you've passed Nightshade's filter!"

With the elimination of the 60 day/100 posts thing, that's really all we have left to work with, and I rather like it more because now I *know* exactly who can see what I write, and I've started to write less generally and a bit more open-ended and chatty because of it.

To keep this in perspective, I'm not saying that I've not accepted friends just to scare people off, the percentage has been small, and in each case I've sent the person a personal PM explaining my reasoning. I think that's the least I can do, and each and every person has understood my reasoning and no issues have occurred.

[Ursula]

I do agree the monkier "Friend" is misplaced here, Ursula. I have few IRL friends, and all of them are very, very close. I find people here kind and caring, but truly, I have my IRL friends, and they have theirs, and with few exceptions, there isn't much overlap.

A more apt name for me would be a "filter list" or "approved list" or something or another, but it's called "friends' because that's what the Powers that Be deemed it. The name doesn't change the basic functionality, and "Nightshade has accepted your friend request" sounds nicer to people than, "Congratulations, you've passed Nightshade's filter!"

With the elimination of the 60 day/100 posts thing, that's really all we have left to work with, and I rather like it more because now I *know* exactly who can see what I write, and I've started to write less generally and a bit more open-ended and chatty because of it.

To keep this in perspective, I'm not saying that I've not accepted friends just to scare people off, the percentage has been small, and in each case I've sent the person a personal PM explaining my reasoning. I think that's the least I can do, and each and every person has understood my reasoning and no issues have occurred.

Well, "passing the filter" is what "Contacts" is - and I like that the pass/fail of the filter is private - known to me, and perhaps to the person who has passed the filter. There is no need for the entire community to know whether or not a given individual has passed this or that person's filter to see their blog.

"Friend" goes beyond just passing the filter - it is a public declaration, known to anyone.

I wouldn't particularly like it if the private "Contacts" option was taken away, and the public "Friends" option was renamed "Contacts" or "passed the filter" or whatever.

Probably 90% or more of the people here I'd be willing to have on a private "pass the filter" to see my blog/journal. But there is probably less than 5% I'm willing to publicly identify as "friend." But I feel as if there is a lot of pressure to publicly call everyone a "friend" unless they are so vile you wouldn't even call them a "pass the filter to see my blog."

And my discomfort and resentment of the whole "friends" system has been building since LHC came back online with this feature.

A big plus of the old setup was that interaction was rather carefully controlled. No comments on journals, discussion only on topical threads, and a limited number of PM's for private contact. Those who wanted more personal contact could have more, by sending a PM, and exchanging e-mails if they wanted more interaction than 50 PMs allowed. But if you liked the limited interaction, it was a big advantage that it took a little bit of effort (in the form of writing a PM) for someone to initiate more close interaction. That effort meant that people thought a bit before initiating an interaction.

Now it is far more "social" whether you want it to be or not. Now it is so easy - just a click of the button, with no limit on how many you do - to initiate a friends request, and then the reciever has to deal with it whether or not they want to deal.

Having to explain to every person who makes a friends request why I turned them down - when I didn't initiate the interaction at all - would take more social energy than I have. (And I've managed to cut back the number of friends requests by being public about disliking the whole system, but I'm still getting a few a day.)

[Nightshade]

Ursula, you make good points, and I had misunderstood, thinking that friends and contacts were interchangable terms, so it's good to know they are not.

In that light, why are there two different systems? That just seems to complicate things a bit...

[Juliet's Silk]

Ursula, you make good points, and I had misunderstood, thinking that friends and contacts were interchangable terms, so it's good to know they are not.

In that light, why are there two different systems? That just seems to complicate things a bit...

You can add someone as a contact, granting them access without sending a notification or a request to them. It's one sided and only up to you.
For example, I have added some people to my Contacts of whom I know that they are not comfortable with the friends system so that they can read my blog without having to go through the trouble of rejecting me (potentially) as a "friend".

[Nightshade]

You can add someone as a contact, granting them access without sending a notification or a request to them. It's one sided and only up to you.
For example, I have added some people to my Contacts of whom I know that they are not comfortable with the friends system so that they can read my blog without having to go through the trouble of rejecting me (potentially) as a "friend".

I understand it, but I still find it a bit overly complicated. C'est la vie, however, and if that's how the system works, then I suppose the best thing is just to be aware. Ursula, somewhere I thought I read that Friend notifications disappear after a few days without response, can you just wait for them to expire?

[Ursula]

I understand it, but I still find it a bit overly complicated. C'est la vie, however, and if that's how the system works, then I suppose the best thing is just to be aware. Ursula, somewhere I thought I read that Friend notifications disappear after a few days without response, can you just wait for them to expire?

Well, I've been ignoring my "friends requests" notifications for several days now, since I just can't deal.

I'm not sure exactly when the oldest one was put in, but I know there is at least one that was put in on 3/15, and it is still there. (Maybe it went away on the other person's "Friendship requested" list?) And it still counts towards the little bold "Your Notifications" number at the top of each page. I'll have to see if it eventually expires and goes away, or if they just accumulate on my end.

[Nightshade]

Well, I've been ignoring my "friends requests" notifications for several days now, since I just can't deal.

I'm not sure exactly when the oldest one was put in, but I know there is at least one that was put in on 3/15, and it is still there. (Maybe it went away on the other person's "Friendship requested" list?) And it still counts towards the little bold "Your Notifications" number at the top of each page. I'll have to see if it eventually expires and goes away, or if they just accumulate on my end.

That's aggravating. I would hope that since you've announced that you're not participating in the friend list thing that those that did put in a request could cancel it.

That doesn't solve the basic problem you're having, but it would make it less annoying.

[Ursula]

That's aggravating. I would hope that since you've announced that you're not participating in the friend list thing that those that did put in a request could cancel it.

That doesn't solve the basic problem you're having, but it would make it less annoying.

Well, I just updated my sig, emptied my "Friends" list, (as well as the Friends request list) and hopefully this will address the issue. I can't think of a better way to deal with it, for now.

I emptied out my "Friends" list because I think it is only fair, if I am opting out, to have no one on the list at all, than to try to publicly play favorites.

No friends at all, for me!